I spent many years holed up in my tiny bedroom that I adored. I loved being alone and having privacy to do what I wanted without the noise and watchful eyes of my family. So I can totally relate to my teenager high schoolers and middle schooler wanting to spend lots of time in their bedrooms...alone.
I'm home alone most of my day as I work from home and when my teenagers burst through the door at 2:10, I
really look forward to my hugs and hearing a little bit about their day. And then...
poof...there they go. Upstairs to their rooms and I'm left alone again...until 2:40 when my 12-year-old comes through the door from middle school. I get a quick hug and a few stories out of her and then...
poof!! She's gone too. Off to play with her slime and facetime her friends. And then...I'm alone...again.
I remember my Mom commenting about this exact same thing to me when I was a teen. She always asked me what I was doing and why I liked to be alone so much.
So I get it. I understand it. But it doesn't mean I like it. And it makes me sad if I think about it too much.
What a great article...
Kid in Their Room All Day? Why Teens Crave Privacy:
I don't see my teenage son very much anymore and, while I miss him terribly, I have realized he needs his privacy just like I needed mine at his age.
It’s
almost two o’clock on a Sunday afternoon and I’ve hardly seen my 13-year-old
son. He slept in later than me, then I headed out for a run. When I returned
home he let me know he had taken out the dogs and the trash, then he headed
back up to his room. About fifteen minutes later I heard the shower running.
And about an hour after that, he came down to make himself lunch. I can hear
him walking around in his room, I hear his music, I hear drawers slamming, but
I have no idea what he is doing up there.
All
I know is I don’t see my son very much anymore and while I miss him terribly, I
have realized he needs his privacy. I clearly remember needing mine as a teenager and I
know I spent just as much time up in my own space as he does now.
It took me some time to get
used to this. He went from hanging around the family, needing to be the center
of attention, to retreating in his room every moment he could. I used to pester
him about it and make him come and connect with us. I would pepper him with
questions about what he was doing and what he was thinking about and why he
needed so much time alone. I told him I missed him and wanted him to spend less
time alone in his room.
And it was damaging our
relationship. Deep down I knew he was pulling away just like all teenagers do
and it is natural, but I was taking it too personally. Him needing to spend
time alone is not something I need to take personally because it’s not about
me. It’s about him. And it needs to be respected.
Dr. Peter
Marshall is a child psychologist and author of “Now I Know Why Tigers Eat Their
Young” and has talked about this in great detail:
Privacy’s important for teens partly because they need to
separate. It’s tempting to think that they’re just goofing off, but they spend
a large part of their time just thinking about things, trying to figure out who
they are, who they want to become. There’s a lot of work for them to do, and
they need some space to do it.
We spend an awful lot of
time and energy keeping a close watch on our kids when they are young. We tell
them how to brush their teeth, we make sure they have their winter coat, we
watch how other children interact with them at the park and make sure they use
their manners.
And so when they start to
pull off on their own it can leave a void for the parents and it’s natural to
want to fill it.
I had to remind myself (and
I still do), if I want my son to thrive and be independent and feel empowered
as he grows up, I need to let him figure things out on his own; not just in the
real life when he is interacting with others, but in his own space, too.
He is growing and changing
so much I am sure it is hard for him to keep up with it all, too. He needs to be in a safe place where he can
think about things. And right now, as hard as it is some days,
and as much as I miss him, it is my job to make sure he has that safe space. After
all he is only up in his room, he is still here, he
is still around, and I am thankful for that since I know the time will come all
too soon where that won’t be the case.
So I leave
him alone, I make sure his brother and sister leave him alone, and I let him do
his thing.
Of course if you feel your
child has withdrawn too much or you are worried about strange behavior, then
it’s our job as parents to get involved and get children what they need, but
most teenagers are just trying to figure things out in a place that is quiet so
they can daydream and get to know themselves. They’ve had constant attention
for so long, they are ready to break free a bit and who can blame them?
Besides, they know we will
be waiting for them to rejoin the family again when they are ready. They need
to know it’s okay for them to spend time alone and will not be judged,
punished, or made to feel like an outcast. We all want to be loved regardless
of our choices and our teens are no different.
And believe it or not, they
want us to know they love and care about us just as much as they always have,
they are just asking for space.
