Happy Valentine's Day

Truth

If you want to know someone's mind...listen to their words.

If you want to know their heart...watch their actions. 

I miss my little boy

My Baby Is A Teenager Now, And I Miss My Little Boy

by Katie Bingham-Smith (but seriously could have been written by me)

As my oldest son sat in the chair at the barber shop the other night, chewing his gum and looking straight ahead, I sat watching him, taking in every detail — something he hates and calls me out on every time he catches me staring at him with the maternal longing that makes teens squirm.

His soft pudgy cheeks have been replaced with a strong jaw line. I see the outline of every muscle as he chews his gum.

The tiny voice that used to sound so small has been replaced with a strong, masculine tone.

Eager agreements about going out for ice cream have been replaced with shoulder shrugs and no eye contact.

Those squishy rectangles with bitty toes have grown into size 11 feet which are sprouting hair and look like they could crush things.

His hugs which used to wrap me in love and linger long after our embrace was over have been replaced with a tap on my back. And if I hover for more than a second, he pulls away. “Mom, stop,” he will say letting me know he’s had enough.

Those hands that used to reach for mine can palm a basketball and start a chainsaw with one pull.

The baby I gave birth to, my first love, is gone. I keep looking for him, and I can’t find him — not even a trace of what he once was.

I know he loves me. I know he needs his mother. But the tiny baby I held in my arms isn’t coming back. The wild toddler seeking his mother’s approval is nowhere to be found. Those cheeks, those shining eyes, the excitement is gone. I look hard every damn day trying to grasp at straws and find a little glimpse of who he used to be. I know it annoys him, but I can’t help myself.

He is trying hard to grow up, and I am trying hard to slow him down. Through all this we are both losing sight of what it means to appreciate each other for what, and who, we are now.

The more I push, the more he pulls.

The more I hover, the more he tries to push the boundaries and let me know he doesn't need my help.

People tell you your kids grow up, and it goes by fast. You are reminded teenagers can be hard to take, and they challenge you. But no one told me the little boy I gave birth to would completely leave me. No one said he would fight hard not to be that curious child who wasn’t afraid to ask questions, and dance, and unapologetically be himself while he held his mama’s hand. I had no idea how many times my own son could break my heart — not because I’m disappointed in him for going through normal life changes — but because I miss who he used to be so much I feel it in my soul and deep in my bones.

You know you have to say goodbye to your kids and let them venture into the world; it’s inevitable. But I thought everyone meant you said goodbye when they walked out the door, when their social life became more important than spending time at home, or when it was time for them to leave the nest and go out on their own. I didn’t know I would have to say goodbye while they were still living under my roof and I saw them every day.

My grip is too tight for him but too loose for me, and I am still trying to teach him so many things.

“Remember when?” I say.

His response is always the same deep “yes,” followed by a faint sigh he thinks I can’t hear. But I do, and it’s louder than his “yes.” That sigh is telling me he wants to move on, and I need to let him. That sigh is a reminder I need to accept the fact the child I gave birth to morphed into a new version of himself. He’s almost a man now.

And honestly, I’ve changed too. He’s changed me in so many ways I never saw coming. And he’s been able to accept my changes; he doesn’t long for his old mom to come back. So maybe I should do the same for him? I mean, I know I should. I’m so damn proud of him, but this letting go business is so damn hard.

I am still allowed to miss my baby. I can still mourn our old relationship. But I think it’s time for me to step back and start learning from him and look forward instead of trying to bring him back. This is who he needs to be now, and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to get to know him because I am living in days gone by.

Encouragement

I'm really trying

Be kinder

The kinder you are...the happier you are...and the more beautiful you become.

Mom, Nana and Grampy

Gianna Mae

She'll be 14 next month. Honestly.  Where does the time go?  I think we all ask that question over and over and over again as the days, months and years pass us by...

I love her. 

Babysitting

Julia getting a taste of what mommy life is going to be like...haha!!

Straight A's

Julia is one smart girl. These are her grades this term...

96  English

93  History

93  Spanish

94  Geometry

91  Chemistry 

99  Photography

Yesterday while walking through Target she mentioned how she wants to start saving to buy a laptop...for college applications...and college.  In that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  She's only a sophomore and the subject of college is already starting! But that's three years away, right?  Ugh.

She has such a bright future ahead of her and I can't wait to see what she does with her life.

I just love my Julia. She always makes me so proud...

A pretty heart

Peanut Butter Granola Bars

Julia made these last night.  No bake homemade granola bars. They're really good!  Just click on the link in red.  : )

It's all a game

and the girls are the puzzle pieces...

Sweet 16 continues

April

This is what she looked like before her addiction took over.  It's so hard to understand why and how it happened.  

I know my Dad was there to greet her because he cared and had a heart of gold.  She can rest in peace now. 

Cats

Everyday it's the same story.  I get up from where I've been sitting and this guy steals my spot. Every...single...time.  I pick him up and move him...I sit back down...I have to get up for something...and bam...like a boomerang he's back...most of the time looking like this...all cuddly and cute. Ugh. Then I go find a new place to sit...without my warm blankets.

Can you see me??

Love of my life

I am soooo excited!! I got tickets to see Adam Lambert and Queen this summer!! I can't wait!  But how I wish Freddie was still here...

Choose your thoughts

Thoughts have no power other than what you give them. Thoughts are just ideas - possibilities in consciousness - that are only big or powerful if we identify with them. You are the only thinker in your mind, and you can choose if your thoughts are true or not. 

The only thing we are ever dealing with is a thought, and a thought can be changed. Most of the time when we are in pain, it's because we are responding to our thoughts about something. The pain is mind-made. It is a sign that we are literally suffering from psychology. The way out of suffering is to make friends with your mind and remind yourself that you are the thinker of your thoughts. 

Happiness is only ever one thought away. 

- Louise Hay

Be happy

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts...

Julia

My Weight Watchers Journey

I'm doing this post in hopes that I can possibly encourage others who want to start the weight loss journey and also as a reminder to me that...yes...I did it and more importantly...I can continue to do this for LIFE.

I started Weight Watchers back in April after stepping on the scale and gasping at the number.  I saw a new digit I had never seen before.  Since Gianna's birth over 13 years ago, I had been so miserable with my weight. So I made up my mind that very day that I was done.  I was off to WW!  It is a plan I knew would work for me...if I took it seriously.  I signed up on my computer and drove off to the nearest meeting determined, focused and committed.  This time was different.  I could feel it.

I’m the type of person who needs to physically show up to step on the scale so I make myself accountable to someone other than myself.  Otherwise I would just tell myself that I’ll start again tomorrow…or the next day...or the next.  You get the idea.  I also need to go to the meetings to help feel part of the program.  I love to hear other people's stories, ideas, recipes and witness their success. I always walk out of a meeting feeling inspired. I actually went to a bunch of different meetings so I could meet all the leaders and then I chose who I liked best.  I made a commitment to show up to that meeting every week...and I still do. Writing it on my calendar helps! 

I have never called what I am doing a “diet”.  It’s become my new “lifestyle”.  I’ve made some healthy changes and kicked some really bad habits.  It's been a journey for sure.  A very slow journey.  There is no overnight fix…or week long fix.  It may take you months...it may take you years...but it will work if you follow the program.  

I lost a total of 28 pounds and it took me a total of 6 months...

This is a view of my overall journey...

As you can see, I definitely hit a plateau and then finally lost those last few pounds before reaching my goal.  And keep in mind..."goal" is actually a feeling.  I actually changed my goal number.  How do you possibly know what "number" is right?  I just went with how I felt and how my clothes fit.  I knew the first number I had picked was too low.  So I adjusted the number...and that's OK.   

Having said all this...everyday is a challenge for me.  For years I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  How do you think I ended up overweight?  And now I have to figure out how to stay at this weight for my lifetime.  I know it won't be easy but I’m determined.  Some days I just want to bake chocolate chip cookies and eat the batter and warm cookies straight from the oven...or have a big bowl of ice cream.  And sometimes I do!  Just not on a regular basis anymore.  It’s hard to break old habits but I have.  

Here are some of the healthy changes I’ve made...

1. I’ve stopped buying candy on my trips to the stores. I always walked out of the store with something sweet. Not anymore. Never.

2. I don’t use sugar anymore.  I only use Splenda.

3. I used to put half and half in my tea.  Now I use a fat free, zero-point powered creamer.  I don’t even notice the difference.

4. I use sugar free syrup.  Again…I can’t even tell the difference!

5. I buy low fat or fat free cheeses, low fat sour cream, reduced calorie dressings, etc. I always look for the low-fat or fat free alternatives. 

6. I weigh and measure my food and I always look for the portion size.  I use measuring spoons and measuring cups every single day.

7. If we have store bought cookies in our snack drawer (which is now rare) I won’t have any.  Because I know one cookie will lead to too many for me. 

8. I don’t usually eat peanut butter anymore.  I use PB2 as an alternative and really love it. 

9. I eat cauliflower rice instead of white rice.  You can buy some really good frozen ones at the grocery store...and some have mixed vegetables too.  

10. I eat reduced calorie bread at home.  Sara Lee Delightful is my favorite. Just 1 smartpoint per slice.

11. Instead of pasta, I eat spiral zucchini. It’s delicious! I love pasta though and enjoy eating it at restaurants.  I really don’t miss eating it at home.

12.  I stopped going to Dunkin' Donuts and McDonald's on a regular basis.  The high points are just not worth it. 

13. The best healthy change I’ve made is exercise. My goal is to exercise daily.  Now realistically that doesn’t always happen…but at least that’s the goal!  My arms are stronger than they've ever been by using 5 pound weights daily.  So what that my stomach isn't flat...that's OK!  I carried three babies in there!  I'm proud of my belly! 

The key is...know the foods you like/love and make them work into your days or week!!  Don't deprive yourself!  Don't eat something just because it is "healthy".  Pick the veggies, fruits, proteins and other food that you like/love and watch the portion sizes.  Portion control is so important!  WW now has over 200 zero point foods.  But you have to remember, even though these are healthy choices, they still have calories and you should and need to watch the portions you eat.  

I have three different breakfasts that I really enjoy...all low points.  I also have several different lunches and snacks that I can choose from on a daily basis that are all healthy, low in points, and MOST IMPORTANTLY...that I really like and want to eat!!!  That is so key to success!!  I just keep an eye on the portions!  And there are endless dinners that Danny and I eat now that we both love and enjoy...and are either low points or ZERO points!  

I make it a point to enjoy my life and enjoy food.  If we go out to dinner, I love to order cheeseburgers, pizza and appetizers.  But if for some reason I have two or three events in a row, I wouldn’t plan on eating like that at every meal. For one meal yes…and then the other meals I would make healthier choices. I have to say I am never ever hungry.  I make it a point to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner plus 2-3 snacks each day. 

What do I struggle with now?  I feel like now that I'm "at goal" I still have a long road ahead of me.  Some days I'm so tired and just want to not think about what I eat anymore.  Sometimes I feel that doing this for life is so daunting and overwhelming!  Then I got the answer I had been looking for.  I listen to the Podcast WhysAdvice with FatDag.  He's also on social media. He's a WW leader and is so encouraging!!  Give him a listen!  He says..."The whole point of doing this is to have a long life!  This journey will be a long journey!  That's the GOAL.  The GOAL is to be doing this FOREVER...until you're well into your 90's! That's what it's all about.  You want this journey to be long!"  So those are the words I live by.  Every day.  Thank you FatDag!

FatDag and WW also asks you to figure out your WHY.  Knowing your WHY is so important!! 

Here's MY WHY...

I want to live a healthy life and have a healthy future.  I want to be able to run around with my grandkids someday.  You know how far it is from the parking lot to the soccer fields?  I want to be able to make those long walks!  I want to go on walking tours of Italy and other great places.  I want to sit comfortably in my seat at a theater, in a booth or on an airplane.  And I want to look in the mirror and be happy with my reflection.  

BEFORE PICTURES

I remember so clearly how I felt in each of these pictures.  

I didn't want to go to this surprise party for my friend because I knew I would be seeing people from high school and I was so unhappy with how I looked. Ugh. I still cringe when I look at this picture...

And this picture...ugh...I had to go to Target to buy a new top that fit for a function I was going to because everything I had in my closet was too tight and not long enough to cover me up...

And this picture...oh my goodness...this was taken before going to a wedding. I hated the way I looked and felt in that dress...so much so that I didn't even want to dance at that wedding.  How sad is that...

This picture was taken my first week of WW. I was feeling very in control here and happy...

AFTER PICTURES

And this is me now...

I feel sooooo much better!!  I swear...if I can do it...so can you!!  

Find your WHY and achieve it!! 

Queen

I have a new obsession (besides Kohl's haha). After seeing the movie Bohemian Rhapsody I've been listening to Queen pretty much nonstop and watching all their old videos and interviews with Freddie Mercury.  I remember liking some of their songs that were on the radio back when I was in high school but honestly I think it was too hard rock for me back then.  But now??  I want to go to a Queen concert!!  How I wish Freddie was still here.  He was quite the character and musician.  I love him!!

I've watched this video about a hundred times since seeing the movie...it's so good!

So I guess I have quite the eclectic taste in music: Backstreet Boys (pop), Willis Clan (Irish/Bluegrass/pop) and now Queen?

Jessica Willis Fisher - My History

This is Jessica Willis Fisher...the oldest sibling from the Willis Clan...which, in case you haven't figured out by now, is one of my favorite bands ever!

This is a song she wrote about the abuse she suffered for years at the hands of her father.  He's now in prison.

She is amazing.  Such a beautiful voice.  Such a beautiful person too.

Affirmation

Follow your JOY

I love

I love this new song

I love this new video

I love my Boys so much!!!

Happy New Year

Here's to a fresh NEW YEAR...