I went to NYC again on Thursday to visit my friend, Berta. This time she was awake although quite groggy from all the pain medication. She was "happy" to see me although understandably very sad. She looks so much better than two weeks ago when she had the respirator in and was quite bloated from surgery. She had a tracheotomy so her mouth is free again but she still can't speak. She needs to breathe more on her own before that can happen. At times, she would try to say something but struggled to communicate. She would look hard into our eyes trying to make us understand and then just give up. She can't write yet as she is too weak and her thinking isn't clear enough.
Just to be there with her was enough for me. I got to hold her hand and tell her that I'm thinking of her constantly, that there was no place else I would rather be, that she is doing great, that she looks good, that she can do this, that I hate that this is happening to her and that I love her. Her eyes filled with tears and she pointed to her heart to tell me she loved me too. We blew each other kisses when I left. I told her I would be back in a few weeks and hopefully by then she will be able to talk again.
She was moved out of the ICU that evening which means she has stabilized. Now there will be a game plan to get going on her treatment and managing her pain. Her mom and brother are more encouraged which is wonderful to see. They are truly amazing. To watch her tiny 90-year-old mother who has basically no hearing left and walks with a cane, go through this terrible ordeal is just heart wrenching. They have been by her side every single day, all day which is beyond exhausting in every way possible but they are her strength. They both have their moments but still remain positive and can make Berta smile.
I miss her laugh....the way she throws her head back and laughs this great deep laugh... I miss the way she says, "Shame Dineen" or just the way she says my name "Dineeeen". I'll hear her voice again...I know it.
